Working on effective communication.

Effective communication is essential—and it takes more work than we imagine. Once again, when it comes to communication, we often assume that the way we express ourselves is the “right” way, and that whoever understood, understood. Or we get frustrated because of the common phrase, “I feel like we’re speaking different languages,” which basically means we’re not being clear about what we’re trying to communicate. We’re not making ourselves understood. Therefore, our way of communicating and solving problems needs to be worked on.

So, in today’s episode, I’m going to share a bit from a Masterclass I loved by psychotherapist Esther Perel, known for her work on human relationships.

I loved how she organized and explained it, but here I’ll highlight the details that I found most interesting—and that I believe we experience more often than we think! Sometimes it’s just a matter of paying attention and being willing to adjust so that we can communicate clearly and effectively.

She says that to have a good conversation, we need to start with empathy, and she breaks it down into four points:

1. DON’T ASSUME
Be open to truly understanding what the other person is trying to say—without simultaneously making assumptions or planning your response while the conversation is still happening.

2. ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES
In the case of a disagreement, she talks about having openness, empathy, and humility to own your mistake and build the conversation from there so it can take a healthier and more efficient direction.

3. BE CURIOUS—ASK QUESTIONS
If something doesn’t resonate, or if you don’t understand or can’t empathize with what’s being communicated, it’s okay—before responding—to ask and dig deeper into what’s being said. This helps you respond better and listen more effectively.

4. BE CAREFUL NOT TO CHANGE THE CONTEXT
Avoid changing the context or giving a completely different meaning to what’s being communicated simply because you didn’t ask or clarify.

This is something I relate to—although I try to avoid it now, it sometimes happens automatically: thinking “all or nothing.” But in MOST cases, that’s not accurate. For example:

• If you’ve asked your partner to be more punctual, and they’ve been on time all week—but then they’re late on Friday—and you say:
  “You ALWAYS do this! You’re ALWAYS late!”
   
• Or you’ve asked your child to do a certain task, and one day they don’t do it, and you say:
  “You NEVER do anything! You NEVER follow through!”
   

Aside from being most likely untrue, this doesn’t help the person receiving the feedback, nor the person giving it—because we’re creating a non-existent reality based on judgment and forgetting the human factor.

Now, of course, you can give feedback, but do it clearly and without being absolute:
“Hey, you were late today. I understand it can happen, but let’s keep working on this because it really bothers me,”
or
“Hey, you missed this task—please help me avoid this so we don’t have to deal with scolding or consequences later.”

She then dives into communication dynamics and roles during conflicts, calling this:

UNDERSTANDING AND RESOLVING CONFLICTS—
where it’s better to identify patterns so we can argue more intelligently—not more aggressively!

She identifies the following dynamics during arguments:

1. THE PURSUER AND THE AVOIDER
One person is determined to keep talking until the discussion ends, while the other prefers to take space and ask for time rather than talk in the heat of the moment.
→ I think this can be a healthy dynamic because it forces both to take a break, and when the conversation resumes, things can often be discussed more calmly and rationally.

2. THE PURSUER AND THE PURSUER
This one’s more complex—both parties push until the very end, either ending badly or reaching an agreement just to stop.

3. THE AVOIDER AND THE AVOIDER
This, in my opinion, is the most dangerous—both avoid the discussion, so resentment builds up and eventually comes out, often in unhealthy ways.

Another interesting point she made: we can be more consistent and respectful if we understand the pain or feeling behind a conflict. Most of these come from one of three needs:

1. The need for power or to be the priority
    
2. The need for care or connection
    
3. The need for respect or recognition
    

If we understand which of these is at the root of the argument, we can respond and resolve with more clarity.

1. Start with the intent to have a dialogue, not a debate
    
2. Validate the other person’s experience and feelings—this doesn’t mean you agree, only that you are really listening
    
3. Understand that “just listening” is never just listening—it takes focus and attention! Listening and communicating are visual, auditory, and more.
    

She also says that to avoid miscommunication and misunderstandings, we should move away from focusing on who is to blame. Instead, use self-awareness, empathy, and communication to correct misunderstandings—knowing that what we usually want is to solve the problem.

And if we truly want to solve it, it’s very important to CONSIDER THE CONTEXT—sometimes,
a phone call (which is no longer common) can help.

She mentions a study:
47% of people agree that trying to solve problems through text messages has created MORE misunderstandings.
But this depends on personal preference and the specific situation.

Finally, she says that to have good communication of any kind, it’s essential to BUILD TRUST. And what is trust?

“Trust is a commitment to the unexpected or the unknown.”
 

Therefore, by opening up to listen—without assumptions, with the willingness to be present, support, and resolve—we can create an environment of trust. Or at the very least, we take the risk of opening communication without fear of what might happen.

So, I’ll leave you with these questions:

• Do you see yourself as someone who needs to work on trust first—or someone who just takes the risk?
   
• Are you the person who loves to argue—or prefers to avoid conflict?
   
• Do you consider yourself empathetic—or absolute in your thinking?
   

This is just a reference—there are countless ways to achieve effective communication—but I hope this helps you reflect and realize that communication requires work and dedication to use it in the best way possible. Especially with those who matter most—so we can maintain quality, human, and enriching relationships.